unraveling life's secrets

It's been a week since my last blog entry. Since resurrection there's been a lot of running around over the last 7-days. My Saturday through Thursday were eaten up wearing the managers hat. I flew to LA on Saturday to be with our act Kailash Kher and Kailasa. We rocked The Hollywood Bowl on the Sunday to an audience of approximately 13,000 people, we landed 90-minutes of live on-air time with Kailash on our favorite radio station KCRW (click to listen/watch) on the Monday, returned to NYC for a hit at Le Poisson Rouge on the Tuesday, dealt with logistics and more logistics until we got them to the airport and they flew to Vancouver on Thursday (of course someone got lost in the airport and missed the plane). My business partner Ali is with the boys for Vancouver, Seattle and San Francisco (his beautiful son Maysum is pictured above standing on the Hollywood Bowl stage after watching Uncle Kailash rock). I will reconnect with the band in Dallas on Saturday for our Dallas Cowboys Stadium concert. Free of managerial obligations I spent 16-hours on Friday resurrecting my studio with Brad and throwing away a lot of old technology. The exercise unleashed a nasty sneezy dust storm and now I'm sick. The doctors warned me that my immune system would weaken, but dust?!?! Old bacteria floating in the air did a number on me… Saturday's attempt to remedy the situation with an afternoon at the Russian Baths, all the green juices and healthy foods swimming with my blood, and a Tiesto concert at the Hammerstein Ballroom was not enough to knock out what has developed into a little cold. I've spent my Sunday with the family. Tomorrow morning my 14-day cycle of death and rebirth begins again as I enter Round III of chemo. Hopefully the pressure I feel in around my sinus's and eyes will not magnify as chemo brain sets in - fun!

It's been a challenging week. One of re-evaluation, letting go, holding on, and confronting those things that are not working for me at this point in my life. In my truth of truths I find I'm most excited waking up in the morning and going straight to my piano and writing songs. My entrepreneurial mind is retreating more and more each day as my obsession for writing songs is taking me over. Over the last month I've birthed 3-songs that I really like: 'Nothing Less Than A Miracle', 'So Many Lives' and 'Michangelos Den'. Pushing chords, melodies, lyrics and arrangements is like unraveling life's secrets, unearthing some great mystery, and taking a snap shot of my immediate present. Time ceases to exists when I'm alone and lost in the music. I'm far from stressed and lost in the songs frequency. It's now been 1-month living with chemo. 5-months remain in-front of me. As I've been letting go of my old possessions, I'm starting to redefine the relationship I have with my obligations and recommitting to my love affair with writing songs. Chemo starts in about 15-hours… I'm now going to spend a few hours tweaking some compositions before my mind starts to melt...

5-days to bounce back...

I'm leaving to LA in 3-hours. It's been a rough week. My ability to bounce back from chemo took me 5-days this week! Total lack of appetite and chemo brain killed me. I spent my Friday afternoon laying in the grass in Central Park meditating on channeling the chemo brain out. Fresh air, grass, trees and nature really help me. I went to the Russian Baths and almost fainted, my body went into a bit of shock, but the intensity helped reactivate my appetite, I had my first real meal in a week last night at one of my favorite little place, Hummus. I woke up this morning without chemo brain. It's remarkable, I can go days feeling absolutely drained, overwhelmingly frail, no appetite to speak of, and then wake up one morning and not feel an ounce of illness. I'm excited and ready for the 48-hour adventure in LA!

Music (as always) has been the best medicine in helping me transcend the challenges. I've been hooked on the new Imogen Heap album "Ellipse", especially the songs 'Wait it Out', ' Swoon', 'Tidal', and 'Half Life'. Seriously falled in love with the song 'Sweet Disposition' by The Temper Trap; I must have listened to it over 50-times this week, I can not get enough of it…. it's reminds me of what I was listening to and feeling as a teenager. My friend Gaura Vani wrote a song 'Surrender' that I've also been taken by. The new album 'Eternal' by Huun Huur Tu With Carmen Rizzo has also been in heavy rotation this week. Between that, I'm continually returning to swim in the oceans of Radiohead, Nusrat, Marley and The Beatles. All that said, my playlists are ready for the flight - now I've got to pack! Let me know if you like any of the songs mentioned, they are all available online.

Back to life....

As the chemo is fading out of my system I'm now able to write. Round II was not as fatal as the first round two weeks ago, but still, this is no picnic. I'm faced with a lot of anger in the knowing that my abilities are being compromised by the absorption of the platinum brews integration with my blood. The pressure I've felt for the last 48-hours on the front of my brain pressing down on the roof of my eye balls is far beyond headache or migraine, it's something entirely new to my experience of life. I'm grateful that I only have to endure it for a few days, but these past days have proven that I have to enforce a policy of absolute inactivity. I attempted to work for a few hours on Tuesday, but it only accelerated the spinning. I tested my boundaries with neuropathy by holding onto ice, I can only endure the jagged little lightening needles through my finger-tip down towards my knuckles. I experienced the burning of my tongue by eating watermelon, I'm not joking! It was akin to searing ones tongue with hot soup. Additionally, my drinking a room temperature glass of apple cider lead to my throat adopted the effects of consuming shards of broken glass. And yes, the wonderful stabbing of the jaw bones when eating anything is still a companion of mine. Also, my sense of smell is hypersensitive. Fortunately, I've learned what to expect and how to deal with some of the predictable side effects. The most difficult one to bare is the hundred pounds that push on my brains into my eye sockets, I call it chemo brain. I had hoped to bounce back quickly from chemo, but yet I still remain here in NYC while my wife is the plane I was scheduled to ride with her to LA this morning. I will join her, and Ali, and Kailash and the band and friends in LA on Saturday, in time for our Sunday show at the Hollywood Bowl. Have I mentioned that after a year of Ali and I representing Kailash that the album has finally been released this week on Cumbancha! Please, if you're going to do me a favor you can either buy the album, or arrange for an iPhone app to be produced by my 'UpriseMozaik' venture... All this said, Round II was easier than Round I, hopefully Round III will be easier than Round II.

I spent time with my oncologist yesterday after I learned how to disconnected myself from the chemopack. The good news, I can take the supplements my friend Dr. Gabriel Cousens suggested I ingest to strengthen my blood cell count and immune system - today I start. Hopefully it will make Round III more tolerable. The unfortunate news, I can not take a lower does of chemo - it is what it is. Leading up to LA I'm going to drink a ton of green juices and get to the Russian Baths twice so I can sweat out the chemicals and regain my vitality before boarding the plane.

Round II: Shooting Lightening

Today I began Round II of chemo, spent about 4.5-hours at the hospital. Between the arrival, the blood test, the results, first round of chemicals, blood pressure and temperature evaluation, next round of chemicals, more B.T. evaluation, then getting strapped onto my chemopack to go, the whole process took four and a half hours. Add an hour to go, another hour to come home and the day is pretty much eaten up by the process. I was blessed today as I had three angels with me, my mom, my wife, and our friend Hari (from Golden Bridge Kundilini NY). During the two hours of chemical intake Hari and Parashakti massaged my hands and feet leading me into a deep sleep. At one point I was dreaming, casting seeds on to a yellow field and I awoke as my body reenacted my seed throwing initiative in the physical space as my hands tossed imaginary seeds awakening me. Two weeks ago when I went in for my first round of chemo, the session at the hospital was not that bad. Today it was even easier as I had the blessing of four hands tending to me.

I left the hospital with my mother, the side effects started to kick-in; medicated mouth temporarily solved by yummy organic candy, pressure from the top of my eyeballs, the stabbing dagger into my jaw from a first bite of an apple (my favorite side effect) and a lil fatigue played out by excessive yawning. We went from the hospital to the supermarket to get some supplies and it was there that a new side effect came into being.

I was warned not to hold anything cold. During round one of chemo I was able to tolerate the cold, not experiencing the side effects I had been warned of. Over the last few days I've enjoyed the cold plunge at the Russian Baths, cold water, cool air.... I'm a bit of a polar bear. Today at the supermarket I figured I would get some coconut milk ice cream, and it happened. It took no less than 10-seconds from pulling two pints with my hands from the frozen goods area that I experienced my first electrocution through the hands. It was an amazing feeling, like small jagged needles entering my fingertips and expanding into my hands. It was shocking and painful, and I just observed it and took it in until the jagged little lightenings expanded their shock treatment from finger tips to knuckles; I then threw the pints into my mothers hands. It was intense. The sensational pain lingered, I still feel some of the residual effects on my right finger tips. As I write this I'm feeling the a bit of the fatigue set in. I'm going to test my endurance today and get some things done before I collapse and linger in the valley of death for the next 2-3 days as the chemo does its work. Over the next few days I will exist in the silence of my medicated meditation and learn how to shoot lightening from my finger tips.

cyclical pattern of death and rebirth

Since my last entry upon returning from Omega my vitality has fully returned. With the passing of Labor Day Weekend it feels like everyone has returned to work. It's been a bit challenging for me to look at what I can realistically do and what I can not take on. Basing this theory on my chemo experience last week, my existence for the next 6-months will be a 2-week cyclical pattern of death and rebirth, one week of death followed by a week of life, and onward towards Valentines Day will this cycle continue. The discipline of meeting my own self-imposed deadlines in such short spaces of time will hopefully provide me the ability to complete a smattering of half baked projects that have been sitting on my desk requiring focused attention. All that said, it's been a productive few days - it's the first time I have done ANY work since July 15th, when the unplanned operation took place... really since July 1st, when my precious cat for 17-years, Fairuz died in my arms. It feels really good to be able to work!

Beyond work, this week has also been one of training and preparation for the 2nd round of chemo. I've been fueling myself daily with 4-5 green juices, eating healthy, regular prayer (in alignment with the call to prayer that sings out of my iPhone every few hours reminding me when the hundreds of millions of fasting Muslims observing Ramadan are also on their knees), some exercise, and regular time around the piano writing songs. I was looking pretty good before, but now thirty pounds lighter, I feel and look better than I have in years. all my clothes are big on me. I do not look like I'm dealing with cancer, but this IS the week of life, next week will be considerably different.

As major rainfall descends upon the eastern seaboard, it is safe to say that our GlobeSonic Summer Dance Party on The Hudson will be canceled by the City Parks Foundation tonight. I was really looking forward to it. We had over 1200 people attend our last party on the Hudson, it truly fed my spirit as it was the first time I had really been out since the hospitalization. I do not plan on DJing until November when Parashakti and I launch a new event entitled 'Illuminate' at the brand new Open Center (more on that later). I have a fine weekend of activities leading me to Mondays Chemo. I will goto the United Nations for " A Concert for Pakistan", be present for for a 'Shivah' in observance of the passing of my friends father, meet with the renown Dr. Robert Young, brunch with my Cuban cousin Leonor who I have not seen for years, and hopefully I will get to The Russian Baths and sweat out what ever chemicals may still be lingering in my body so that I am even more ready for the 2nd round. I was at The Baths yesterday, I am very very fortunate that I have not experienced the electrical jolting side-effect that cold can have on the body, it only manifests when I eat (I've learned how to work with it). Hopefully this weeks preparations will give me the strength and stamina I need to get on the plane to LA on Thursday for the Kailash Kher concert at the Hollywood Bowl. I'm going to try to cheat a day off from my death sentence to get to LA.

Keep sending the good vibes - FKA

healing power of nature

There's a lot to be said about the healing power of nature. Today marks 8-days since the first round of chemo. The first four days of the experience basically translated into four days of death, extreme fatigue, poisonous toxicity, nausea, dizziness, chemicals flowing through my body, nasty medicated taste in my mouth, loss of appetite, and of course my favorite - the electrical jolt to the jaw every time I put food or liquid of any temperature into my mouth. That was last weeks Monday through Thursday, the first four days of riding the chemo tidal wave. Day five, Friday was the resurrection, the day I finally had the strength to get out of bed and started to feel normal, it was the first day I was no longer bedridden, and had the strength to re-engage with my life (with some lingering side-effects). Parashakti and I went to the Omega Institute for their Ecstatic Chant weekend where we brought our good friend Vishal Vaid to perform. We spent three healing nights upstate on the Omega campus.

As I said, there is something to be said about the healing power of nature, we all know it; the fresh air, the greenery, being outdoors, sleeping in a cabin in the woods far from NYC car alarms and traffic jams, far from the wonderful air next to our L.I.E. apartment, far from the chaotic frequency of the city. Without question, being at Omega helped me shake off the chemo funk. Today, I feel like I did not have any chemo, I'm really only reminded of it because of the port in my chest (the pain has relatively dissolved), and that Round Two is approaching in less than a week (9/14). This week is all about preparing my body for the next round - fueling my body with healthy greens, regular exercise and prayer, and catching up on some neglected work! I want to say thank you to the Stephan, Ana, Brett & Helema, the Omega family, the Omega piano, the Kirtan crew, the Vaid family and of course my wife for the best few days I have had since the surgery in July. I'm back!

lots of sleep

Since being disconnected from the chemo-pack I've been sleeping, and sleeping, and sleeping. Disconnection did not slow down the side-effects. I've had acupuncture and a great massage since returning from the hospital. Both felt great and pushed my body deeper into sleep. I have not been taking phone calls or replying to e-mails, it takes too much energy. I yawn a lot. My appetite is slowly coming back, I was able to eat a small meal for the first time yesterday, but nothing compared to what I'm used to. I've also learned how to eat as with every first bite of a food, be it fruit or juice or Rahela's banana/walnut muffins, I'm guaranteed to experience an electrical jolt in my jaw. As of yesterday I started drinking Ginger Tea as it helps with the nausea. I thought I would be able to get some basic things accomplished this week, but it was impossible. I sleep, try and eat, sleep more, listen to music, sleep, and watch some tv, mainly music documentaries like The Beatles Anthology I & II, The Making of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, and Biography: Stevie Wonder. I'm leaving to the Omega Institute today for the Ecstatic Chant weekend. I'm just looking forward to spending time with my wife Parashakti, with Vishal and his family, and our Omega family, and falling asleep in the grass feeling the sun on my skin. I'm especially looking forward to going into the sauna and sweating the chemicals out of my body, and swimming in the Omega Lake. I need to feel reenergized, I need to regain my strength before next Friday's GlobeSonic on the Hudson party (it's our last outdoor party for the summer).

I want to thank all of you who have been taking the time to read and follow this story; for your prayers and well wishes, for those who have been e-mailing me inspiring songs (I'm downloading them all this morning) and for those who answered Parashakti's e-mail and have made a donation to the Organic Avenue fund from where we are getting a lot of our healthy supplies from. You can contact her directly via info@parashakti.org.

9/1, 9am : I feel heavily medicated this morning. Obviously the effects of the chemo and it's continual drip throughout the night. I'm unusually exhausted. I had a bite of a room temperature mango and both my left and right jaw bones felt the zapping of an electric jolt. I'm going to try and sleep some more...

9/2, 4pm: just got home from the hospital where they disconnect me from the chemo pouch. I can't lie, this is an intense energy drainer. I have felt nausea, lack of appetite, moodiness, electrical jolts in my jaw from eating, and absolute exhaustion. I had more energy following my colon surgery on 7/15. I've been feeling perfectly healthy over the last few weeks. The chemo makes me ill. I have no energy to do much of anything. I did get hypnotized by a melody yesterday afternoon and got myself out of bed to the piano and started a new composition; outside of that, I'm just making sure I breathe deep and keep positive. My wife and my mother are making sure I and eat healthy. My nurse Maria informed me that I will continue to experience the side-effects 3-4 day following the chemo; fun! I'm just grateful I'm finally disconnect from the chemo-drip so I can take a shower! Round 1 of 12 is complete.