ain't so bad

I slept really well. The sleeping pill and pain killer insured it. I spent my waking morning in prayer and meditation, invoking the spirit of my ancestors, the medicine of the four winds, feeding my etheric body with the prayers and well wishes from my family and friends. I felt as prepared as I could possibly be. It was a morning filled with contemplation and anticipation. I dealt with some finances, Ali came to visit, I sat with my father for some time, and then went to the hospital with my wife and my mom. We got to Mt. Sinai 30-minutes early. They had everything prepared. I chose Mt. Sinai because the chemo clinic has individual rooms for treatment. The others I had seen have their patients all in one room undergoing the chemo, such a sight did not inspire me to commit to such a facility. I was very lucky that Mt. Sinai accepted my insurance. Our family has had a lot of history with Mt. Sinai. Just one week ago our family celebrated the 15-year anniversary since my mom gave my father her kidney; that procedure took place in the same building where I am undergoing my treatment. I had certain expectations of todays treatment, and my reaction to it, expecting I would be in a state of calm meditation taking in the chemo. Surprising, I found myself invoking the spirit of Rocky Balboa fighting Clubber Lang in Rocky III, continually speaking to the chemo saying, 'you ain't so bad', 'is that all you've got'. I'm blessed to say, day-one of chemo was not bad at all. During chemo, I was warned of all the possible side-effects, most notably to stay away from anything cold - be it ice, water, air-conditioning, the cool draft from the refrigerator, etc. Well, I had my first official side-effect when I returned home by simply popping in my mouth a cold piece of curried cauliflower into my mouth. One bite and I felt like I was stabbed directly into the bone of my left jaw. It was intensely painful and took a few minutes to the shock to die down. Beyond that, I'm still experiencing sharp pains around the port anytime I lift or move my right arm, which inspires my number one word of the day - F--K! It's the holy month of Ramadan. I'm observing my prayers, reading the Quran and other religious literature, yet what fed my strength during my first day of chemo was not Rumi or Marley, not the Hadiths or the Vedas, but the spirit of Balboa taunting Clubber Lang saying 'you ain't so bad'!

I return to the Hospital on Wednesday. I am attached to a device that will be dripping chemo into me for the next 46-hours. On Wednesday this device will be detached from me and I will have 11-days until my next chemo session. The first of 12-rounds is almost over.

eve of my first initiation into chemo therepy

It's due time that I start the blogging process. I always thought I would be writting about music. It is highly likely that what I am most pasionate about will come forth in this blogging exercise, but right now, as I sit here on the eve of my first initiation into chemo therepy, I'm able to look back at the series of events that took me to this place. Be it genetics, ancestral baggage, repressed creativity, dietary inconsistencies, financial burdens, self-imposed stresses, imaginary deadlines, and so-on; here I am at the doorsteps of a great mystery. I have no idea what's going to happen next. I have no idea how my body is going to react. I have no control what-so-ever, and for those that know me, my aims at accomplishing things with military precision are now forcing me to enter a space of absolute trust and surrender. I feel as though everything is being re-written. Here I am at 38-years old with this thing called colon cancer 2B, feeling like the bionic man with a metal 'port' freshly installed 48-hours ago in my chest from where the platinum chemo-brew will be administered... I've always a platinum album, wanted it so bad I now get to pump a platinum-stew through my heart. 12-sessions of chemo over a 24-week period, I should be off the juice by Valentines Day 2010. What ever cancerous cells may exist in my body, this process will allow me to raise the chances of it never returning from 80% to 92%. Whatever of it that may exist, I will kick the little fucker out of my system between now and then and return reborn.