Round V - Platinum

I'm now in the 5th round of chemo. It's been a while since my last entry. My blogging was postponed due to the severity of round four which by far produced the highest level of poisonous suffering this body has ever endured. It really took two weeks to get past round four. Reasons:

1) Extreme Chemo Mouth: A nasty yellow tongue lasted for two weeks forcing me to need to have something in my mouth all the time. I've had to use my tongue brush 3-4 times a day to peal off a thick yellow substance that continuously formed on my tongue. My saliva tasted metallic. I returned to eating meats as it helped strengthen me, and helped my taste buds react - but there have been no lasting effects to remove chemo mouth. Two glasses of red wine each night also helped numb my tongue and my senses, but only temporary. Citrus upset my system and caused vomiting. Ginger helps. Food has not tasted the same at all. I'm most fond of red wine these days...

2) Hi-Level Neuropathy: Imagine dental floss wrapped tightly around your hands and feet, your finger and toes with little barbed wire jagged edges. Imagine this sensation simply arising in your body because of a breeze, or wrapping around your face because of a cool wind, or touching a cold object… or simply using your hands to type of play a piano - the highest level of 'pins-and-needles' imaginable was delivered with round four.

3) Shadow of Death: This medicine makes me feel like I'm dying. It's been killing me. My life force, my prana, my energy is completely wiped out overtime I do chemo, and round four threw me over the edge.

With tears in my eyes I brought my case to my oncologist yesterday; desperate to find an alternative path to treating my condition. We reviewed the situation and concluded we remove one part of the medication - the platinum. At this moment of writing I am connected to my chemo pump, in my 32nd hour of the chemicals being dripped into my body, and for the first time since walking this path I'm able to function. I still feel ill, but I'm not bedridden. I'm sensitive to cold, but I'm not hyperneuropic. My tongue is still producing a funky substance, out the metallic taste is gone. Most important, I don't feel the shadow of death draining my life force away. I'm out of bed re-engaging with my life.

That's the report for today. Thanks for reading.

Round IV

Pictured to the left are an adoring crowd of Kaiaslh Kher fans in Dallas. The past few weeks have been an existence of extremes, one week I'm in bed, then I'm in some city with my friend and business partner Ali and our artist Kailash Kher. The tour is now over. I've made it to Los Angeles, Dallas, and this past weekend Chicago for the IIT Conference where Bill Clinton gave a keynote and Kailash and the boys were the gala event. It's been great fun having road time with a solid band of friends at memorable events.

Yesterday I completed round four of chemo. It's pulverizing. Neuropathy was kicking at it's highest level yet sending electric shocks accompanied by pins-and-needles throughout my hands and feet, nasty chemo mouth has turned my tongue yellow, and the intense nausea inspired my first oral projection, clearing all the contents of my empty stomach. I'm not joking when I share with my friends that my current life cycle revolves around a 14-day period during which I experience a week of death followed by a week of life. I really quite awful. I can't do much of anything while the chemo is in my blood beyond listening to music, watching movies and documentaries, and sleeping. I've been writing a lot of songs these days, but playing the piano while on chemo only heightens the neuropathic effects sending the electrical sensations deeper into my fingers… I now keep a hot pillow around the piano to warm my hands when I play to try and counter the effects.

The hardest part of this process over the last two treatments have been chemo mouth (clearly accented by yellow tongue). My taste-buds are extremely sensitive, nothing tastes like it normally would. My sense of smell is hyperactive and overwhelming and certain smells spin me into nauseous spell. The whole experience has really done a job at remixing my system. Yet, when the chemo has passed after a week, one would never know that I've been experiencing this hell. My vitality is restored, my mind is sharp, all my faculties are fully functioning. I'm able to do some work, see friends, spend time with my parents and family, get to the Russian Baths to sweat out the chemicals, get massage and acupuncture to further push the chemicals out, and operate on preparing my body for the next round of chemo. That's the reality. My week of life is spent squeezing the toxicity out of my body and preparing it for the following round.

That's the story for now.... this cycle will continue until mid-February. I'm am one-third down the road beating this.

[The above photo was taken before Kailash hit the stage in Chicago. And yes, I'm growing a beard.]

Round III: lightening bolts and spiritual interventions

It's been close to a week since my last entry. I write this as I'm on a plane to Dallas where I'm joining my partner Ali on our Kailash Kher & Kailasa tour. Kailash is expected to perform tomorrow at the new Dallas Cowboy Stadium to an audience of over 40,000 people as the headliner of a Diwali Festival. I know it will be worth the effort as this past week of chemo is still lingering and I need to return to this part of my life. This past week found me in bed coping with round III of chemo. Chemo brain was present, sheer exhaustion and fatigue were in full effect, nasty medicated chemo mouth is still wrapped around my tongue (it's really yucky), and of course the stabbing sensation in my jaw while eating has been a regular companion. The specific area of detonation ignited by grape or bread, pasta or green juice is called 'the condyle of the mandible', or 'the head of the jaw bone', or simply 'the temporomandibular joint'…. speaking of which, I need a joint…. Last I wrote I had resurrected my recording studio, created a dust storm and took in a little cold. The eye of the chemo tornado pulled it all together resulting in the alchemical side effect of what I will call 'exploding throat'; be it cough or sneeze, with any heavy exertion of air through my Adams Apple, the force would result in 'exploding throat', sending a message to my cerebral cortex that my voice box has shattered into a thousand piece and causing difficulty of breath. Fortunately I'm not one to panic and I'm generally very good with my breath, but the process of re-composition would generally take an average of 90-seconds. FUN!

Another chemo character to share more shades of its personality was neuropathy. If it were a cartoon character it would be personified by a friendly lightening bolt that when aggravated quickly transforms into a jagged razor sharp evil web of electricity. A week earlier our little friend was introduced to the story by my holding a cold pint of sambazon acai, it was here that it took my hand for an introductory handshake. This week I became well acquainted with my new friend in holding more lightening in my hands, pounding electricity on the piano keys, electrical jolts running through my feet, and feeling a cool breeze kiss my lips sending shocks through my mouth and up towards my nose (mother natures new way of saying 'i love you'). All that said as I type this with every keystroke a little lightening jolt nibbles on my fingertips. Sexy stuff!

I mainly spent this past week in bed coping. Monday at the hospital getting hooked to the juice, then stuck in bed in my headphones until Wednesday morning when I for the first time disconnected myself from the chemo pack, (I'll take a picture of the long needle that we unclamp from the port in my chest). My acupuncturist came over and tuned me up (forgot to mention the lower left area of my back has been enduring nasty muscle spasms all week), and then my friend Vanessa drove me to the Omega Institute where I linked with my wife on our 2-year wedding anniversary to spend time in the current of Brazilian healer 'John of God' (over a thousand people a day came to Omega for this happening). Wed - Friday were spent at Omega. I had a spiritual intervention, spent more time in bed in my headphones, collapsed in front of my friends Brett & Helema as a muscle spasm overtook me, ate like a bird, and returned home by bus on Friday to spend a little time with my father for his birthday. Now I'm on a plane… Something tells me I'm pushing myself a little too much, what do you think? I know I can handle it, I'm as strong as a lion!

To my friends that have been calling, texting, emailing and have received only silence, please excuse the reality that I had to drop out this past week, and I will be forced to drop out every other week. Between chemo, family affairs, and taking in the electrical current of John of God, this week has been all about healing… everything right now is about healing. All social and business activities are on hold. I've been so busy being sick and tired I didn't even get to enjoy the all organic au-natural herbal remedies my friends have been gifting me with. To be perfectly honest, it's a little challenging to smoke a spliff when your mom is taking care of you, your father is always around, and your wife is a hardcore raw-live-vegan-shamanic-healer. Still, as Round IV approaches I'm going to have to schedule it in like I schedule acupuncture and massage, I can explain to my family that next to the supplements of vitamin B, and C and magnesium and gold and iron that Vitamin M is also an integral part of the healing process.

unraveling life's secrets

It's been a week since my last blog entry. Since resurrection there's been a lot of running around over the last 7-days. My Saturday through Thursday were eaten up wearing the managers hat. I flew to LA on Saturday to be with our act Kailash Kher and Kailasa. We rocked The Hollywood Bowl on the Sunday to an audience of approximately 13,000 people, we landed 90-minutes of live on-air time with Kailash on our favorite radio station KCRW (click to listen/watch) on the Monday, returned to NYC for a hit at Le Poisson Rouge on the Tuesday, dealt with logistics and more logistics until we got them to the airport and they flew to Vancouver on Thursday (of course someone got lost in the airport and missed the plane). My business partner Ali is with the boys for Vancouver, Seattle and San Francisco (his beautiful son Maysum is pictured above standing on the Hollywood Bowl stage after watching Uncle Kailash rock). I will reconnect with the band in Dallas on Saturday for our Dallas Cowboys Stadium concert. Free of managerial obligations I spent 16-hours on Friday resurrecting my studio with Brad and throwing away a lot of old technology. The exercise unleashed a nasty sneezy dust storm and now I'm sick. The doctors warned me that my immune system would weaken, but dust?!?! Old bacteria floating in the air did a number on me… Saturday's attempt to remedy the situation with an afternoon at the Russian Baths, all the green juices and healthy foods swimming with my blood, and a Tiesto concert at the Hammerstein Ballroom was not enough to knock out what has developed into a little cold. I've spent my Sunday with the family. Tomorrow morning my 14-day cycle of death and rebirth begins again as I enter Round III of chemo. Hopefully the pressure I feel in around my sinus's and eyes will not magnify as chemo brain sets in - fun!

It's been a challenging week. One of re-evaluation, letting go, holding on, and confronting those things that are not working for me at this point in my life. In my truth of truths I find I'm most excited waking up in the morning and going straight to my piano and writing songs. My entrepreneurial mind is retreating more and more each day as my obsession for writing songs is taking me over. Over the last month I've birthed 3-songs that I really like: 'Nothing Less Than A Miracle', 'So Many Lives' and 'Michangelos Den'. Pushing chords, melodies, lyrics and arrangements is like unraveling life's secrets, unearthing some great mystery, and taking a snap shot of my immediate present. Time ceases to exists when I'm alone and lost in the music. I'm far from stressed and lost in the songs frequency. It's now been 1-month living with chemo. 5-months remain in-front of me. As I've been letting go of my old possessions, I'm starting to redefine the relationship I have with my obligations and recommitting to my love affair with writing songs. Chemo starts in about 15-hours… I'm now going to spend a few hours tweaking some compositions before my mind starts to melt...

5-days to bounce back...

I'm leaving to LA in 3-hours. It's been a rough week. My ability to bounce back from chemo took me 5-days this week! Total lack of appetite and chemo brain killed me. I spent my Friday afternoon laying in the grass in Central Park meditating on channeling the chemo brain out. Fresh air, grass, trees and nature really help me. I went to the Russian Baths and almost fainted, my body went into a bit of shock, but the intensity helped reactivate my appetite, I had my first real meal in a week last night at one of my favorite little place, Hummus. I woke up this morning without chemo brain. It's remarkable, I can go days feeling absolutely drained, overwhelmingly frail, no appetite to speak of, and then wake up one morning and not feel an ounce of illness. I'm excited and ready for the 48-hour adventure in LA!

Music (as always) has been the best medicine in helping me transcend the challenges. I've been hooked on the new Imogen Heap album "Ellipse", especially the songs 'Wait it Out', ' Swoon', 'Tidal', and 'Half Life'. Seriously falled in love with the song 'Sweet Disposition' by The Temper Trap; I must have listened to it over 50-times this week, I can not get enough of it…. it's reminds me of what I was listening to and feeling as a teenager. My friend Gaura Vani wrote a song 'Surrender' that I've also been taken by. The new album 'Eternal' by Huun Huur Tu With Carmen Rizzo has also been in heavy rotation this week. Between that, I'm continually returning to swim in the oceans of Radiohead, Nusrat, Marley and The Beatles. All that said, my playlists are ready for the flight - now I've got to pack! Let me know if you like any of the songs mentioned, they are all available online.

Back to life....

As the chemo is fading out of my system I'm now able to write. Round II was not as fatal as the first round two weeks ago, but still, this is no picnic. I'm faced with a lot of anger in the knowing that my abilities are being compromised by the absorption of the platinum brews integration with my blood. The pressure I've felt for the last 48-hours on the front of my brain pressing down on the roof of my eye balls is far beyond headache or migraine, it's something entirely new to my experience of life. I'm grateful that I only have to endure it for a few days, but these past days have proven that I have to enforce a policy of absolute inactivity. I attempted to work for a few hours on Tuesday, but it only accelerated the spinning. I tested my boundaries with neuropathy by holding onto ice, I can only endure the jagged little lightening needles through my finger-tip down towards my knuckles. I experienced the burning of my tongue by eating watermelon, I'm not joking! It was akin to searing ones tongue with hot soup. Additionally, my drinking a room temperature glass of apple cider lead to my throat adopted the effects of consuming shards of broken glass. And yes, the wonderful stabbing of the jaw bones when eating anything is still a companion of mine. Also, my sense of smell is hypersensitive. Fortunately, I've learned what to expect and how to deal with some of the predictable side effects. The most difficult one to bare is the hundred pounds that push on my brains into my eye sockets, I call it chemo brain. I had hoped to bounce back quickly from chemo, but yet I still remain here in NYC while my wife is the plane I was scheduled to ride with her to LA this morning. I will join her, and Ali, and Kailash and the band and friends in LA on Saturday, in time for our Sunday show at the Hollywood Bowl. Have I mentioned that after a year of Ali and I representing Kailash that the album has finally been released this week on Cumbancha! Please, if you're going to do me a favor you can either buy the album, or arrange for an iPhone app to be produced by my 'UpriseMozaik' venture... All this said, Round II was easier than Round I, hopefully Round III will be easier than Round II.

I spent time with my oncologist yesterday after I learned how to disconnected myself from the chemopack. The good news, I can take the supplements my friend Dr. Gabriel Cousens suggested I ingest to strengthen my blood cell count and immune system - today I start. Hopefully it will make Round III more tolerable. The unfortunate news, I can not take a lower does of chemo - it is what it is. Leading up to LA I'm going to drink a ton of green juices and get to the Russian Baths twice so I can sweat out the chemicals and regain my vitality before boarding the plane.

Round II: Shooting Lightening

Today I began Round II of chemo, spent about 4.5-hours at the hospital. Between the arrival, the blood test, the results, first round of chemicals, blood pressure and temperature evaluation, next round of chemicals, more B.T. evaluation, then getting strapped onto my chemopack to go, the whole process took four and a half hours. Add an hour to go, another hour to come home and the day is pretty much eaten up by the process. I was blessed today as I had three angels with me, my mom, my wife, and our friend Hari (from Golden Bridge Kundilini NY). During the two hours of chemical intake Hari and Parashakti massaged my hands and feet leading me into a deep sleep. At one point I was dreaming, casting seeds on to a yellow field and I awoke as my body reenacted my seed throwing initiative in the physical space as my hands tossed imaginary seeds awakening me. Two weeks ago when I went in for my first round of chemo, the session at the hospital was not that bad. Today it was even easier as I had the blessing of four hands tending to me.

I left the hospital with my mother, the side effects started to kick-in; medicated mouth temporarily solved by yummy organic candy, pressure from the top of my eyeballs, the stabbing dagger into my jaw from a first bite of an apple (my favorite side effect) and a lil fatigue played out by excessive yawning. We went from the hospital to the supermarket to get some supplies and it was there that a new side effect came into being.

I was warned not to hold anything cold. During round one of chemo I was able to tolerate the cold, not experiencing the side effects I had been warned of. Over the last few days I've enjoyed the cold plunge at the Russian Baths, cold water, cool air.... I'm a bit of a polar bear. Today at the supermarket I figured I would get some coconut milk ice cream, and it happened. It took no less than 10-seconds from pulling two pints with my hands from the frozen goods area that I experienced my first electrocution through the hands. It was an amazing feeling, like small jagged needles entering my fingertips and expanding into my hands. It was shocking and painful, and I just observed it and took it in until the jagged little lightenings expanded their shock treatment from finger tips to knuckles; I then threw the pints into my mothers hands. It was intense. The sensational pain lingered, I still feel some of the residual effects on my right finger tips. As I write this I'm feeling the a bit of the fatigue set in. I'm going to test my endurance today and get some things done before I collapse and linger in the valley of death for the next 2-3 days as the chemo does its work. Over the next few days I will exist in the silence of my medicated meditation and learn how to shoot lightening from my finger tips.